Random Thought 38 - Holding On

I still find life too precious to let go.

With the present predicament of my life, I must admit that there was a time that I wanted to cease to exist. The constant torment and all those fears that haunt me prove to be too overwhelming that I almost embrace the call of nothingness.

When you are all alone, the voices at the back of your head prove to be too strong to ignore and they grow louder especially in the stillness of the night. If it is not a mortal sin to end this very life, I could have ended mine a long time ago.

I must say that the fear of the Lord is still in my heart, above anything else. Being raised as a Catholic, I know that committing suicide is a mortal sin and the depths of hell will be waiting to engulf my condemned soul. I may escape whatever troubles and hardships I am facing right now but my soul will be punished for eternity. So what's the use of escaping the present when the torment is eternal?

May the good heaven forgive my troubled mind for entertaining such thoughts, a worthless one. I know it is extremely hard to hold on especially when there's too much to bear and too few to depend on. I pray that even with a thread-like hope, I will be able to hold on as long as this life is still breathing. I pray also that my faith will be unquestioning with whatever that lies ahead. And my heart will learn to embrace the people that do me wrong. Amen.